Saturday, November 13, 2010

Quick Note

Hey sports fans...geez, I am on a public computer and it looks like I've made some kind of booboo with embeding videos. Will correct it when I get a bit more time. I still don't really have time to get much email done. I've only spordaically checked my email in the past three weeks. If you have written me sorry for not responding. Renting computer time or borrowing a friends computer time is better utilized by posting here rather than writing screwy emails. We're still staying at Stagg's grandmothers...and don't have any hard plans at this point...still in limbo and trying not to get whack. I've had a lot of bad dreams and will probably track down a consellor to talk to next week. The experience has triggered a few childhood trama memories and abandonment issues in me and some days I have a fragile set of nerves. But mostly we are doing really good.

This weekend....I am so grateful...our freind Andy drove into town from WI. I have felt so lonely and homesick for friends and family and that has been the biggest weight on me taking care of all the things we have to do. Going to see our friends D and N and Jenny (we babysat their kids last week) have been profound contacts and I am more grateful than ever for the friends we have here and far away. Missing my peeps these past couple weeks and feeling so lonely has been a struggle. I have really really felt pain being so far away from family and friends. Andy showed up last night and we sat around talking till the wee hours and poor Andy...he was such a rock because Stagg and I totally vented and let go of a lot of pent up stories. andy cracked a bottle of wine and we just let it rip. the funny part is I had been texting my daughter saying we were so excited for him to arrive...and my daughter texted back saying DON"T TALK TOO MUCH< LET HIM BREATHE...Stagg and I pledged we wouldn't fall apart when Andy showed up...but I totally fell apart. Well first Stagg talked his ear off, then I had a go. But you know...it was long overdue because we had been holding our shit together as per possible and "being strong" for each other...mixed in with snapping at each other with short nerves or being fragile or jumpy. All of these things are associated with what we've been through and you just have to process all the feelings and triggers. The thing is, we spent most of this time cleaning and clearing out stuff and re-packing and being exhausted...so I think it's natural now that things have leveled out to some degree feelings we put aside are surfacing....and we need to talk about them. For me, having friends far away has compromised my usual form of processing. We both really needed to let go and vent. And as i said, I am going to track down a consellor next week seeing as I have had some nasty bad dreams (circus perfomers in beautiful costumes catching on fire and no one stopping the show...what a metaphor for life huh?)

Anyways, we got up pretty decent this morning and are renting some tools and doing a bit of work at our apartment, sorting out some stuff....we've stopped at an internet cafe to print out maps and we're having coffee and laughing and just it is such a beautiful thing to have friends and levity and lighten up just a bit with good company. We havea family bd party early evening and then Stagg is going out to see some bands with his pal Jim and Andy and I will get into sme trouble around the city. Coffee good...venting good...friends good...all is good...Andy has us laughing and is driving us around and we have a bunch of errands and a bunch of fun things lined up....back in a couple of days...

6 comments:

Brassawe said...

What an incredibly difficult thing you two have experienced and continue to endure. But you both are resilient.

Catching up here. I lost track for a bit--self-centered asshole that I am.

Gardenia said...

Oh so glad for Andy being there! I think fires really are unique in their trauma affect - I don't envy the processing you guys have to go through to put it in its place eventually. Wish we could all sit down with martinis - or something -
I'm mailing something off Monday - for sure! I'm running behind the wagon in EVERYTHING, and apologize. You are almost always on my heart though.

X. Dell said...

(1) I guess your daughter would know.

(2) I'm guessing that putting on a brave face might have some connection to the bad dreams. Prolonged nightmares can indicate an issue that desperately needs your attention (hence the scariness of it). It might be good news, or bad news. Either way, a counsler is probably a best friend. And unlike friends from WI, they have to sit there and take it.

Candy Minx said...

Hey big guy Brassawee, how ys doing? So good to "see" ya!!! We've been wondering hiow you are doing and what your travels and journeys have been up to. It's just wonderful to hear from you, many hugs to you.

You know Gardenia, the fire has been weird...the thing is...and this is the good news...I haven't had anything like this bad happen since I was a kid. The thing is though...of course it's natural for it to trigger childhood trama. I usually live so carefully and boring that I always try to avoid danger and drama...since I had to recover from such as a kid. My adult life has been one of caution and building very intimate, loyal family and friend relationships. The hard part about the last couple of weeks has been not being close to family and friends far away. I am so so grateful for the ones here and how amazing everyone has been...we are very lucky. Today we had to go down to a government office and while we were standing in line we landed up talking to many other people and their stories were so tough and touching...I immediately felt a perspective on being grateful for what we have and we don't have it that bad. I don't want you to feel you have to send us anything darling darling Gardenia. Your thoughtfulness and kindness and friendship means the world to me though. I am so pleased to know all the people we have met online and I absolutely plan on getting near you and having that martini! I am looking at vehicles this week...who knows maybe that elusive road trip will manifest. LOL! hugs to you.

X-Dell, yes, my daughter knows for sure ha ha. And you are so right about the bad dreams are quite a safety and red flag warning. I was surprised when they happened, but I also knew right away what that crazy scary circus dream meant to me. I feel like a completely different person after visiting all weekend...we also had a family birthday party so lots of company. Andy was a rock with his spiritual intuitiveness and I feel like I am in a completely different body now and really was able to get a vision out of the sense of limbo I felt. I feel much better at navigating the limbo shall we say...it's still limbo but not as daunting as it felt last week ha ha. I also hooked up some appointments for a counsler and that should really do the trick. I also picked up a Buddhist magazine the other day called "Tricycle" and the articles in it are outstanding. A hug to you too X-Dell thanks so much for visiting!

Martin said...

Another mail at goodreads -- Martin

tweetey30 said...

hey there i have been a bad blog friend of late. I havent visited anyone recently.. I have been lame on posting also. I hope everything is ok. I knew about the fire but havent read since really.. Yes you need to vent with stuff like this and I am glad you had an ear to listen to you. and you have someplace safe to be..

Well lots of love and hope you find your own place again soon.. i know its not easy with the trauma there was in the fire. I know you are safe but you still endured loss..