Saturday, March 01, 2008
She's A Vixen-Watch Her Operate
The first step in developing skilled communication is effective listening. Relating to others is impossible unless you can “fully hear” what they are saying. To begin, try squarely facing and making eye contact with the person with whom you want to communicate. Next, let him or her talk freely while you simply try to comprehend what is being said. Listen for both the feelings and the content of what the person is saying. If you are not sure you have heard everything or understand what is meant, it is often helpful to paraphrase what has been said and then allow the other person to clarify any misunderstanding of the message. Try not to let your own feelings interfere at this point or you might miss something important.
How To Communicate With Controlling Personalities:
* Remember, much anxiety is created by the irrational belief that you are unable to cope. When faced with a stressful situation, ask yourself, "What is the worst that could happen? How will I manage it if it does happen?" Make a realistic plan for coping. Once you've been able to convince yourself that you can survive, even if faced with the worst possible alternative, it is easier to handle whatever happens.
* Learn to accept all people as fallible human beings who are equal. No one is perfect. When you learn to love and care for others despite their imperfections, you'll be more successful in dealing with your own fears.
1. Keep a strong sense of yourself, and don't believe you have to respond or acknowledge controlling behavior.
2. Pursue your own activities, particularly ones that build up your own self esteem
3. Do not look for approval or other reactions from the controlling party. Inform them of your intentions, and do it.
4. Do not stick around if you feel you may be subject to physical or mental abuse.
Depression. Think about what happens to you when you indulge in depression. Granted, you may get something out of being depressed. Some family members will rally around you and give you lots of support. Depression can be a way to manipulate others. The problem is that sooner or later others will start to resent it. Furthermore, when you're depressed, you're unlikely to do much of anything.
* Try not to interpret events in negative ways. For instance, you may read disapproval into comments other people make, or decide that they secretly dislike you even if they act just as friendly as ever. Dispute these negative interpretations with neutral or positive ones.
* Avoid dwelling on negative expectations about the future. You may have fallen into the habit of thinking that you will never get over your feeling of distress or your problems. Or you may anticipate that you will fail at a task. Combat these feelings about the future in the same way you would for anxiety.
* Retain your relationships with others. A controlling person will want you to cut off your contact with your friends and family.
* Be FIRM. Giving in may make the controlling person more demanding.
* Notice your anger. Don't deny it. Use it as a flag that tells you something is wrong and needs to be cleared up.
* Ask yourself, "Do I want to feel this way? Who is going to get hurt the most from my anger?"
* Reflect consciously on the beliefs that cause your anger. "What am I thinking that makes me feel this way?" Usually unhelpful, anger-producing beliefs will center on the idea that some circumstance should have been different than it was.
* Challenge your beliefs and work on exchanging them for healthier alternatives. Help yourself reach the conclusion that people are going to be the way they are--which is often not the way you would like them to be.
* If you have a hard time getting over your anger when you do feel it, express it in some way that does not hurt you or anyone else. Go for a long walk. Do some stormy art. Write a letter and tear it up. Do something to get rid of your anger.
* Talk about how you feel. Go to the person you may be feeling upset with and say, "I am hurt. I am disappointed. I need to clear something up with you." But never attack people; attack problems. Talk about how you feel without blaming anyone else for making you feel that way.
* Focus on the positive. When a depressed woman was advised to keep a diary, she realized that she often had positive experiences but that she had a tendency not to pay attention to them and quickly forgot them. Most of us have more positive experiences than we realize.
* If you expect perfection from yourself, you will continually be disappointed. Concentrate on the good things you have accomplished.
* Work on changing your thinking, your way of looking at yourself and the events that occur in your life. Also, do something, almost anything. Exercise is especially helpful, but even cleaning house will help you move beyond depression.
* Take care of yourself. Don't let responsibilities overwhelm you. Rest and devote time to personal interest.
All kinds of cool information on the web to help relieve stress: At work and at play!
Helpful hints for working with a controlling personality
Managing stress effectively
How To Communicate Effectively